H{is}terectomy

Have you ever heard that "joke" about all the pains women go through starting with men? Things like menstruation, menopause, and mental breakdowns.... and I'm adding hysterectomy since it's pronounced histerectomy. Of course recovery requires quite a bit of help from your spouse but the benefits (from what I've heard) are innumerable when it comes to men... I mean, no more pregnancy, no more "it's that time of the month" excuses, you get the idea.

Right now I'm in the trenches of recovery, it's been nearly three weeks and, while the pain is nearly gone, the toll it took on my body is still quite fresh. I can't even cook breakfast without feeling fatigued... I go back to work next week and I am scared to death because of how tired I am.

I put this surgery off for two years... I tried multiple methods before having it to include ablation and vaginal scraping. The only thing I failed at was regulating my weight, which could have very well taken care of most of the issues...

But the issues contributed to my weight... it's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

I look at pictures of myself and videos and in the mirror and nearly break down in tears because I can't believe how much weight I've gained... I listen to people... "if you just eat right," "if you would just exercise," "if you, if you, if you...." and on and on and on. I then I look at women who are skinnier than I ever was and they had hysterectomy's because of the same issues I had so maybe my weight wouldn't have solved anything... Maybe my weight just served as a crutch to make me feel terrible about myself and maybe the real lesson here is self-love as opposed to self-loathing.

I need to back up a bit and give some love to the women in my life who don't do the "if you..." thing. They are the ones who compliment me on an outfit I barely dare to wear, or on my hair and makeup. My kids who think I am beautiful no matter what and prove it by taking the most unflattering pictures and professing their undying love for me. Kids really are the best, aren't they? If we could all just see ourselves through their eyes (except maybe our teenagers eyes... those might be different). Last but not least, my husband who adores me no matter what, tells me I am beautiful after surgeries and during sickness... You know... all that stuff and more.

But back to my hysterectomy... it added a few more destinations on my road map of a stomach, it robbed me of my dignity (most surgeries do though, don't they), it revealed those who were supportive and those who were the "if you's" in my life, and it reminded me that I am only human... that I have limits and also that our bodies are miracles that regenerate cells and repair brokenness within hours, days, and weeks. If our bodies can heal this quickly maybe our minds can also, maybe all that self-loathing can be turned around and heal. Maybe the hurts we've been through can be fixed as well if we concentrate on the positive and let go of the negative... if you... if you ... if you... Maybe where you are right now, where I am right now, is perfect and doesn't need fixing at all. Maybe it just needs acceptance.

On an end note I'm sticking to my idea that I will not make new years resolutions because I don't need a new me, I just need to love me. See last year's post if you missed the message.

Love and light for the new year and beyond, may you enter it with hope and confidence and keep the momentum as the year progresses.

~Jes

PS I was going to end this on positive men words but they are nearly impossible to find! Most words starting with men are very negative... here's what I found that wasn't horrendous: mensch (a person of integrity and honor), Menta (liquor, so that's good), meno (to speed up or slow down music), mend, and menu... I especially appreciate that last one ;)